I recently saw about the ATX reunion and some of what they discussed was politics. This is a FUN spin on a new series subplot that popped into my pointed little head. It's HUMOROUS, so don't get offended.
Gaius Baltar is running for the Presidency of the 12 Colonies. "Join me, and let's make the 12 Colonies GREAT AGAIN! We will rebuild the Colonies, and they will be HUGE, just like my hands, and my hands are HUGE, BELIEVE ME, my hands are HUGE. And who is going to pay for it? That's right. The CYLONS! The Cylons...The CYLONS WILL PAY for our new Colonies. Oh, and pay no attention to my skin. I just LOVE Cheetos and there was a minor incident in the Cheeto factory. But we will rebuild the 12 Colonies, and the CYLONS WILL PAY FOR THAT COLONY! All you have to do is vote for me. Don't vote for that LOSER Laura. Laura Roslin is a LOSER! And she is a LIAR! Laura Roslin is a Liar and a LOSER! Yeah, she used to be Secretary of Education. Sure. Her motto must have been "A mind is a terrible waste!" Give me a break. Oh, and that other guy. What's his name. Oh yeas, Zarak. Zany Zarak, that's what I call him. ZANY ZARAK. Give me a break. But vote for me, folks and what will we do? That's right, we will MAKE THE COLONIES GREAT AGAIN...and WHO is going to pay for it? That's right, the CYLONS! You're all great. You're all wonderful Thank you..."
In the audience, Rosalin supporters are jeering and making lewd comments about what he does with his "huge hands," and chanting, "Ask Number Six! Ask Number Six!..." In other locations, Zarak supporters, many dressed in black, are starting violent fist fights with Baltar Backers.
Comments
A cute female reporter is interviewing Presidential Candidate Gaius Baltar:
Mr. Baltar. It seems your entire life has been filled with scandals. The most respected leaders in the fleet have said you are not psychologically stable enough to hold office. In a recent interview with CNN, Admiral Adama said you are nuttier than a Granola Bar. Colonal Tigh said that if you were in the military you would be Captain Crunch from the Battlestar Fruitloops. The fleet's best viper pilot Cara Thrace said she caught you in the lab...ummm...Well I will quote,' When I walked in he was gratifying him self with those huge hands of his. I was concerned because he might taint the DNA samples he was SUPPOSED to be testing for Cylon DNA' When asked to be more specific, she said, 'He was master-'
Baltar quickly cuts her off, "Kelly, Cara Thrace is a NASTY woman...a VERY NASTY WOMAN, BELIEVE ME! It's ALL FAKE NEWS. Colonial News Network is ALL FAKE NEWS! Believe me! You want to believe Cara Thrace? Give me a break. She is a total frakkup! Insubordinate! She even punched out her own XO...Oh, and is HE a piece of work! You know where he probably gets his name don't you? He is always TIGHING one on. What a lush. That's all he does is TIGH one on! Oh, and stager against the wall talking to his imaginary friends. He actually thinks Cylons live in the walls. Can you believe that? What a piece of work. That's what he says, 'They're in the frakking ship!' Oh woooo, they're in the frakking ship! Wooooo! What a loser. And 'Admiral' Adama! That guy has a serious gambling habit, believe you me. That's all he says is 'You've gotta roll a hard six! So say we all! Roll a hard six!' Give me a break. They're ALL DEEP STATE! That's right, deep state."
The interviewer again questions him, "Mr. Baltar, what about the allegations that you and your administration have had inappropriate relations or communications with President Cavil and the Cylons?"
Baltar quickly answers, "Give me a break! I've never even MET President Cavil. What would I have to do with the Cylons? But I will tell you one thing...I WILL TELL YOU ONE THING....President Cavil and the Cylons WILL PAY for our new colonies. The Cylons WILL PAY FOR OUR NEW COLONIES, I guarantee. I've never even talked to a Cylon in my entire life as far as I know."
The interviewer continues. "Mr. Baltar, you claim you have never ever talked to any Cylons, yet there are many who say they see you talking and ummm...doing much more than talking to a Cylon, a Number Six model, I believe, on a regular basis."
Baltar quickly buts in, "Those are ALL LIES! FAKE NEWS! That's all you get from Colonial News Network. FAKE NEWS! Oh, where's the time gone? I have to go, but thank you for this lovely interview. Bubye. Bubye. That's nice. Off you go now. Bubye.